Receiving feedback = giving yourself a gift

How do you give feedback effectively? Thousands of books have probably been written about that question. About how to receive feedback effectively, only a handful.

Yet it’s primarily the way feedback is received that determines whether it’s effective or not.

What makes it hard to receive feedback?

When we receive feedback, we tend to get defensive quickly. “Did the other person really think through what they wanted to say? What are they trying to achieve with this? Maybe they don’t know the full context and have a skewed picture?” Especially when we hear criticism or blame directed at us personally, the shutters come down and we close ourselves off to what the other person is trying to tell us. Yet feedback is an essential part of any process of learning and growth.

Often we hear an underlying message that we’re not OK, that something is wrong with us. Or we hear that what we do is wrong or faulty. The belief “There’s only one person who’s right” often unconsciously underlies this tendency to shut out feedback. People frequently have so much to process already that they have no room to take on criticism as well.

How can you actually benefit from feedback?

A lot depends on how you look at feedback.

1. The other person gives feedback from their own needs.

In doing so, they probably want two things: to be heard, and possibly to find a solution to their problem. If you actively listen to the message, the problem is often already half solved. Working on a solution together is best done only when it also meets your own needs. You can put this on hold until you have more clarity for yourself.

2. Giving feedback is often intended to help the other person.

When you can see the caring, well-meaning intentions of the other person, it also becomes easier to ask follow-up questions about what exactly they mean. They probably want to give you concrete suggestions so you can function better. By being open to this, you gain insight into your blind spots. Well-delivered feedback often lets you get to work right away, with immediate results. And when you receive feedback and manage to translate it into intentions and action points, it can be very helpful to schedule a follow-up conversation to evaluate the effects. Feedback then becomes an important part of a learning spiral.

3. What someone thinks of you is theirs to keep.

You don’t have to accept feedback if you can’t do anything with it. If the packaging of the feedback is clumsy because the other person frames it as blame or judgments, it’s worth asking follow-up questions based on the four building blocks of Nonviolent Communication. Know that the other person’s observations can differ from yours. By listening in a relaxed way, you’ll probably get much more information than by immediately getting defensive. Only after you’ve heard the feedback in detail and understand from which needs the other person is making their requests, can you choose whether or not to respond to what they’re saying and suggesting.

Tips for receiving feedback

• Make sure you can listen to feedback in a relaxed way. If you’re stressed yourself or need empathy, it’s probably not the right moment to hear feedback. Making sure your self-confidence is in a good place is essential for hearing feedback with an open mind. Steer the content and the form of the feedback. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you with feedback. Take the initiative yourself. Lead into receiving feedback by saying: “I’d like to learn how you see a number of things about… I’m curious what you’re satisfied with, and what you’d like to see done differently.” By asking this way, you get appreciation and targeted feedback on things that can actually change. Criticism about things that can’t be changed gets less attention this way.
• Announce a feedback conversation in advance. This way, the other person can prepare what they want to say. Providing clear guiding questions beforehand can be very helpful here (see the previous point).
• Know that giving feedback can sometimes cause people some stress. Make sure the person giving feedback feels comfortable. Make sure you can listen with a positive mindset. See what the other person says as a gift. A relaxed, open body posture helps the feedback giver feel at ease too.
• Also ask for feedback from people who don’t find you particularly likeable. These people can probably point out your rough edges and the areas where you still have room to grow. Put them at ease especially, and listen with genuine interest and warm curiosity to the tips and suggestions they want to share.
• In private. Because giving feedback can be sensitive for both the giver and the receiver, it makes sense to find a separate space for it. This allows both of you to follow up with questions in a relaxed way when certain messages aren’t easy to hear (or to say). Find a pleasant room where you won’t be disturbed by computers or phones. Make sure you’re also visually apart, without being “on display” for others.
• Listen to the feedback in a connecting way. Focus your attention on what the other person feels and needs. Put feelings and needs into words when they’re not explicitly spoken but are important for understanding the message. Make sure you help the other person formulate their feedback by asking questions like:

1. What makes you…?
2. Can you give an example of this?
3. Do you need…?
4. Do I understand correctly that you…?
5. Am I hearing you say that…?
6. Is there anything else you wanted to say about this?

Inspiration for this text

Thanks for the feedback (Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, 2015) Wat je vindt mag je houden (Jan van Koert, 2010)