Giving Compliments... Not So Obvious?

On Compliment Day, we put giving compliments in the spotlight. It’s not always easy to express appreciation to each other. There are several reasons for this:

• A compliment is often seen as the prelude to a request. We receive a compliment and feel obliged to do something in return. Expressing appreciation then feels like a strategy to get a favour.
• What’s good is taken for granted. This means we don’t feel inclined to express appreciation for what does us good. We consider it normal for parents to do things for their children. If we pay for something, we don’t feel the need to thank the other person. If colleagues do their job day in, day out, we find that normal and see no reason to thank them for the effort they put in.
• Pleasant feelings don’t ‘stick’ as long as unpleasant ones. As a result, our attention goes more readily to what we’re missing than to the needs that are fulfilled. We often forget to express appreciation because we’re focused on solving problems.

Expressing appreciation and consciously thanking each other does have positive effects, though. Hearing compliments and giving compliments: they make us happier people. Compliments give energy. They create space for a climate of understanding and togetherness. And they help corrective feedback land better too.

Here are a few suggestions for expressing your appreciation more consciously:

• When you express appreciation, don’t automatically attach a request to it. Giving a compliment is like a small celebration. Enjoy giving it, and enjoy watching how your compliment is received.
• Look at the people around you. Think about why you value each of them. Train your mind to look with appreciation. Find a moment to give your compliment so the other person can truly hear it. Ask for a listening ear first, and then share what you appreciate about your attentive listener.
• If someone finds it difficult to hear your compliment, be gentle. Listen to how that person feels. Some people find it really hard to receive appreciation because they’re not used to it. Welcome that discomfort with a smile.
• Know that nothing you have is self-evident. Count your blessings, write them down in a little keepsake book… It’s probably quite a list. By looking at these ‘gifts’ as if seeing them for the first time, you might feel gratitude bubbling up naturally. Who contributes, consciously or unconsciously, to your well-being, health and happiness? How exactly does that happen? Imagine thanking someone for something you’ve always taken for granted. Say it out loud and watch how the other person responds.
• Focus your attention on what is there. Which needs are fulfilled right now? Who contributed to that? Maybe you don’t know the person who meant something to you. Or maybe it’s a colleague, an acquaintance or a random passer-by who did something for you. Consciously pause at the good that came your way. Express your gratitude spontaneously. Approach the person, ask for a moment of their attention.
• Above all, appreciate yourself. Being hard on yourself and not feeling good enough are very human things. It can always be better. This means you lack a loving gaze towards yourself. What are you good at? What are you proud of? What can you give yourself credit for? By looking at yourself with appreciation, it also becomes easier and more natural to appreciate others.
• You might have a tip of your own for giving compliments more consciously… Think about it for a moment… What else can you do to build small moments of appreciation into your life?

Enjoy the month of March and the more conscious giving of compliments.

Well done for reading this whole piece. Thanks for that.

Erwin Tielemans