What if my favourite strategy is out of reach?

Nonviolent Communication is all well and good, but what do you do when you can’t find a concrete strategy to fulfil your needs?

In Nonviolent Communication, we assume that all our actions and words are aimed at fulfilling needs. Feelings indicate how well our needs are being met. With Nonviolent Communication, people learn to identify what matters to them and to communicate about it clearly, with respect for others.

A few examples

You’ve spent months working on a research project. You’re excited about the value you can bring to your organisation. While preparing the presentation, it turns out your research is already outdated. All your work was for nothing. You have a deep need for appreciation and recognition for your work, and there’s nobody who’s enthusiastic…

You’re doing a job whose purpose you can’t see. It’s deeply frustrating because you need your work to be meaningful. When you raise it with your manager, they explain that the work fits into a bigger picture. There’s no immediate prospect of different work, and you remain frustrated about the pointlessness of part of your job.

In your dealings with customers, you’ve taken a lot of personal criticism. An important customer cancels their contract and your direct manager blames you. You believe this is unfair. You’d like to get it off your chest and you need empathy. You reach out to several colleagues. Nobody has time, because everyone is busy. Nobody is available to listen…

When you want to fulfil a particular need and it doesn’t work out, the temptation can arise to blame others. These reproaches feed feelings of aggression, irritation, and resentment…

Being able to long for something, even when the need isn’t immediately met

The ability to long for something without immediately resolving it is an important skill in Nonviolent Communication. This means you feel the discomfort and pain of what’s missing, alongside the longing to fulfil the need. It’s a kind of gentle self-restraint that allows space for discomfort while you simultaneously yearn for something valuable.

The art lies in keeping your attention focused on what you feel and especially on what you need, without condemning yourself or others. Let the judging thoughts about others or yourself be there, and explore how these thoughts give you information about your needs. By consciously breathing in and out deeply, you deepen your capacity to feel and to relax into that feeling.

By focusing on feelings and needs, you preserve the strength and life energy to stay grounded in your reality in a meaningful way. This energy is the potential you use to take action, when you choose to. It’s a bit like Buddhism. It’s worth trying when you miss something you can’t have right now. Feeling the need and the longing, without judging yourself or others…