The importance of communication: the ABC language

How often do you say something “has to” happen? Do you use the word “must” at all? How often do you give orders? When you ask something of others, is it a request or a demand? Is the other person allowed to say “no”? Do you find it rude or annoying when others say no? Do you think about what others might find enjoyable or meaningful about the task you’d like to delegate?

Communication plays an important role when you want to motivate others. Essentially, you can communicate in two ways: inviting and connecting, or coercive and controlling. And that communication isn’t limited to face-to-face interactions. It also shows up in emails, newsletters, websites and even chat messages.

Speak from your own needs

Based on Self-Determination Theory, it’s best to avoid controlling language and to align as much as possible with the inviting, connecting communication that Marshall B. Rosenberg advocates. He advises speaking without judgments and always starting from your own needs. That’s why it’s important to first get a clear picture of how your own needs are being met:

• an unmet need causes a negative emotion, making you angry, sad or anxious,
• a fulfilled need produces a positive emotion, making you hopeful, happy and full of energy.

“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” MARSHALL B. ROSENBERG

When you can honestly formulate a clear request from your own need, the other person will find it easier to meet that need. Connecting language starts from your own needs: “I feel uncertain about the restructuring. Could you give me a bit more clarity on this?”

What if the other person says no?

It’s important to be open to the other person’s no. Know that every “no” is a “yes” to something else.

Avoid “demands” and opt for “requests” instead. A demand increases the feeling of pressure and coercion for the other person. People don’t like being pressured. They want to step into something by their own choice, autonomously and voluntarily. When you demand, you’re using “must” motivation, which comes with negative consequences.

A request, on the other hand, is a strategy, a way to fulfil your need: What would you like the other person to do to fulfil your need? Know that a single need can be fulfilled through countless strategies. A request gives others the chance to help you. By expressing your need, you show that what you’re asking is very important to you. This way, you can motivate the other person (autonomously) to respond. This altruistic behaviour fulfils their ABC: they choose to help someone, feel connected to the person they’re helping and feel competent as a result. Making requests increases “want to” motivation, making our lives meaningful and enjoyable.

The ABC language stands for autonomy, belonging and competence, three needs that, when fulfilled, create high motivation.

“The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way: it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy, which will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.” MARSHALL B. ROSENBERG

Truly listen to the other person

Beyond your own needs, the needs of your employees, managers and colleagues matter too. A simple way to connect with others’ needs is not to speak, but to be quiet and listen empathically. Then you see the other person as an individual with their own perspective, wishes and desires. By truly listening, without judging, you can genuinely connect with this person and strengthen the mutual need for connection.

Truly empathic or connecting listening means paying attention to what the other person feels and needs. That doesn’t mean you have to feel the same thing, or that you agree with their needs. It simply means being fully present with the other person, looking for their needs and emotions.

“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” JIMI HENDRIX

Avoid coercive controlling language

Connecting communication is diametrically opposed to coercive language built on judgments, interpretations and blame: “Because you don’t communicate enough, I’m angry and I don’t feel good in my job.”

Coercive language provokes resistance. People don’t like being pressured or controlled. Sometimes people are willing to do something, but because you address them in a coercive way, they’ll experience more stress, withdraw, or simply ignore the task.

What the ABC language is not

• Exercising power
• Putting pressure
• Coercion
• Blame or judgments
• Putting on one of your masks
• Leading people astray
• Sitting idle
• Rewarding or punishing
• Aggression
• Manipulation
• Strategic game-playing
• Being right at all costs
• Inducing guilt, shame or fear

“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.” MARSHALL B. ROSENBERG

Be clear and provide structure

Even with inviting language, you can provide clear structure and direction. In the long run, this leads to better results, especially when you expect quality work. Speaking the ABC language also helps you better understand the underlying motives behind behaviour. Why is there resistance? Don’t assume resistance is negative. See it as a source of information. People who don’t follow the rules aren’t necessarily disobedient. There may be other things going on.

Author: Hermina Van Coillie