Resolving Conflicts

One person wants it this way, the other wants it that way. That can be a richness, as long as we don’t cling to one particular solution when problems arise. In this article, you’ll read how Nonviolent Communication offers inspiration for dealing with problems and resolving conflicts.

The difficulty with conflicts

The difficulty with conflicts is that people hold on to their own concrete proposals for solving a particular problem. One person wants it this way, the other wants it that way. The solution then consists of working out a compromise where everyone makes concessions. Because each party gives in a bit, a settlement is found somewhere in the middle. We often see that the balance in a compromise is determined by the power dynamics between the parties involved: the more power you have, the more you can pull the blanket towards you. The result of this way of thinking often leads to a new problem, because one or none of the parties can actually live with the solution that was worked out.

Nonviolent Communication offers a way out

From the perspective of Nonviolent Communication, we aim to resolve conflicts sustainably. A successful solution is a new situation in which all parties involved feel sufficiently recognised in their needs and interests. Biologists and computer scientists call this the principle of ‘good enough’: if it works, it’s OK. This means that with Nonviolent Communication, we don’t look for the most ideal solution, but for a viable one for all parties, against which no party has a fundamental objection based on their own needs or interests. Such solutions ensure that everyone involved is willing to take action and assume responsibility for their own interests and needs. Sometimes they care for the interests and needs of others because these align with their own needs. Knowing that your own needs will be met usually makes it pleasant to also look after those of others.

To resolve conflicts sustainably according to NVC principles, several conditions apply:

1. Willingness to collaborate

The intention and willingness to maintain a workable relationship. This implies that each party wants to continue working with the other parties.

2. Needs exploration phase before the solution phase

The underlying needs (values and interests) of all parties involved are explored before a solution is sought. When conflict resolution goes off the rails, it often has to do with parties looking for a solution too quickly or pushing too hard. Usually there’s too little awareness of one’s own underlying needs and interests, and those of the other parties. Only once each party has clearly formulated their needs and interests and has been heard can a concrete solution be sought. So: first take stock of all needs without immediately looking for a concrete solution.

3. Being creative in the solution phase

When working out solutions, it’s important to be creative. This means being willing to think outside familiar frameworks and tailoring solutions completely to the problem at hand. Out-of-the-box thinking is very useful here. A workable solution addresses the needs of all parties involved.

4. Good enough

Looking for an ideal solution for every party is often an illusion. Especially when a particular solution means that other parties are disadvantaged as a result. When working out a solution, we apply the principle of ‘good enough’. The solution is good enough to be workable. Each party involved can live with a particular solution being implemented.

5. Evaluating and possibly adjusting the solution

A solution is a dynamic thing that doesn’t hold ‘forever and always’. This is one reason to check shortly after implementing a solution whether it’s actually working. This can be done by asking the parties involved these questions:

• Am I satisfied with the solution as we agreed?
• If not, which need is not being met?
• If applicable, how can we adjust the solution so it also addresses this need?

This way of resolving conflicts may seem cumbersome and time-consuming. In practice, however, the opposite turns out to be true: by taking sufficient time to resolve conflicts fundamentally, we see more well-being and satisfaction among everyone involved. Because conflicts are resolved sustainably, there are time savings in the long run.

Resolving conflicts sustainably: how do you do it?

Phase 1: needs exploration phase Resolving a conflict starts the moment someone presents their view of a problem. Connecting honesty is an ideal way to do this: the message is formulated clearly with respect for the other person. This invites the other party to share their opinion on the problem at hand. In this first needs exploration phase, needs and interests are clearly named and heard. It’s important to listen consciously and with empathy. Usually it’s enough for one of the parties to adopt an empathic stance and verify the needs or interests of the other parties by naming them. In this first phase, it’s therefore important that both connecting honesty and empathy are given ample space.

Phase 2: problem-solving phase Once the needs and interests of all parties have been heard, there’s usually a great deal of willingness to look for a shared solution that works for everyone. In Nonviolent Communication, we work out solutions from the principle of ‘giving consent’. When you give consent to a proposal, it means you have no fundamental objection and that you see your needs and interests sufficiently respected in the proposed solution. Anyone who has an objection to a particular solution makes this known and explains which of their needs or interests isn’t sufficiently respected. The other party listens empathically. The first proposal is then adjusted to the additionally formulated need. The problem-solving phase is usually completed when none of the parties has an objection to the most recently formulated proposal. This proposal becomes an agreement that everyone supports.

Resolving conflicts in practice

Applying this two-phase decision-making model works in countless situations. The time invested in finding a solution is more than recouped afterwards through greater energy and willingness to collaborate.

An example In a team meeting, the team leader presents a new strategic plan. He distributes responsibilities among team members and clearly indicates the budgets available and the timeframe within which certain goals must be achieved. Silence falls, participants murmur to their neighbours. Something clearly doesn’t sit well. The team leader asks what the problem is. One by one, team members speak up. The team leader listens attentively and rephrases the needs and concerns without responding to the concrete proposed solutions.

• Several colleagues need more clarity about what they can and cannot decide on their own during the project (need for clarity and autonomy).
• A newcomer raises the need for support because they lack experience (need for support/help).
• Another colleague wonders how they’ll collaborate with other departments within the larger organisation (need for consultation and collaboration).
• Another colleague brings up problems from the previous project and asks how these can be avoided in the new one (need for effectiveness and efficiency). Each team member is encouraged to have their say. Once everyone who wanted to has given their input, the team leader rephrases the needs and interests that were mentioned. He thanks everyone for their input. Then the team leader responds at the solution level. First, he indicates which things he cannot accommodate due to aspects within the organisation that cannot be changed. He asks the team whether they can understand this. They nod in agreement. Then the team leader adjusts the proposal based on the stated interests and needs.
• The newcomer works alongside an experienced colleague.
• Regarding budgets and decision-making autonomy, a separate meeting is planned after consultation with senior management.
• For collaboration with other departments, three contact persons are appointed.
• To translate the lessons from previous projects, the experienced people sit together to propose focus points and agreements to the group by the next briefing. The team leader then asks the participants whether anyone has a fundamental objection to the proposal. Nobody responds; the proposal is accepted. In the months that followed, all team members worked on the shared project with real involvement. Small obstacles were resolved spontaneously. During interim evaluations, everyone shared their progress and the things that were important to discuss with the team. The project progressed faster than planned, unforeseen difficulties were handled with engagement, the budget wasn’t fully used and the quality exceeded expectations…

The principles of conflict resolution summarised

• Be clear about the shared goal you want to achieve.
• First explore a problem at the level of needs and interests before looking for a solution.
• Stay open to non-verbal signals when taking stock of needs. Some people need support and encouragement to share their input.
• Use both connecting honesty and empathy when exploring the needs of others and expressing your own.
• Be creative and dare to think outside the box to arrive at a solution in which all important needs and interests have a place.
• Look critically at solutions and dare to say what’s still missing; adjust the solutions or look for new ones, taking into account the stated objections and underlying needs.
• Don’t aim for an ideal solution. A solution that everyone can live with and that is feasible is found more quickly and offers more guarantees for action and acceptance by everyone.