Nonviolent Communication in written form

Written language is communication. Here too, you can choose the quality of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). In practice, however, we often see that written language becomes a source of irritation, misunderstanding and sometimes even the cause of conflicts. How can you maintain connection through written communication?

First, let’s look at some typical characteristics of written language:

• The moment and circumstances in which a text was written and read are usually different.
• Texts remain, even years after they were written. It’s as if the reader can hear the message an infinite number of times.
• Written texts have a different non-verbal logic than spoken communication. Layout, font, letter size, printed/handwritten, illustrations, exclamation marks, paper quality, email/letter/book/Post-it… these are all aspects that give meaning to written communication. Body language, facial expressions and voice characteristics disappear. Their absence in written language often means the reader fills in these non-verbal aspects themselves.

With written language, the person writing the text does not receive immediate feedback through the facial expressions, body language or verbal reaction of the other person. This means the reader may have certain reactions during a text that are not taken into account further on.

Points of attention for connecting through written language

• Be aware beforehand of what you want to achieve with the text. Do you want the other person to do something, or do you simply want to share information? Shape your text according to your goal.
• Keep your texts as short as possible. Readers often want to know quickly what the information is for.
• Compensate for the absence of non-verbal cues with appropriate layout and design. Consider checking with an outsider beforehand how the “outside” of a text comes across.
• Write by hand to give the text a personal character. This often unconsciously conveys something of your personality, the mood in which you’re writing…
• CAPITAL LETTERS and exclamation marks in typed texts can come across to the other person as if you’re shouting. Be sparing with them and use them consciously.
• Do you want the other person to do something after reading your email? Do you want the other person to respond? Then formulate a clear request, so the other person can read what you expect from them. Don’t assume the other person can read minds or is empathic enough to know in advance what you need.
• Be careful with phrases like: “I request you to”, “please”, “kindly”… Originally, these words had the same intention as formulating a request where the other person was free to accept or decline. Now, however, these words are often used to put pressure in a “polite” way, essentially telling the other person they “have to” do something.
• Be as concrete as possible when formulating requests: phrase them in positive language (i.e. what you want to happen instead of what you don’t want) and emphasise that you leave the other person free to choose. Requests that start with: “I would like…”, “Would you…”, “Is it possible to…” usually get a positive response because the other person can, as it were, choose whether or not to comply.
• Use emoticons like ☺ and ☹ to indicate how you feel about something. Use ;-) to signal that you hope the other person understands the joke or phrasing. These kinds of symbols and additions will likely continue to evolve as people communicate more through written media.
• A friendly opening and closing of an email often work wonders. The greeting reflects how you see the relationship with the reader. The same goes for how you sign off.
• Avoid resolving conflicts via email. In conflicts, it’s important to first listen empathically to each other and gain insight into the underlying needs and values. Empathic (connecting) contact works best when people can see each other. Know that face-to-face communication cannot be replaced by written language. To truly connect, it helps for people to see each other. Non-verbal signals supplement what isn’t expressed in words. The speaker sees the other person’s reaction directly and can take it into account. Silences take on a different meaning because people can see each other and read a lot from body language. So to truly connect, an email can be a first step to invite the other person for a face-to-face conversation.

NVC in written agreements and rules

A special type of text that benefits from connection between writer and reader is one containing rules, agreements or requests. This can range from a note on the inside of a bathroom door to a handbook outlining an organisation’s rules.

What doesn’t work, and often has the opposite effect, are texts that contain an obligation or prohibition:

• Do not walk on the grass!
• The table must be cleared after eating.
• Silence in corridor A, please!
• During lunch break it is forbidden to leave the school.
• Employees must badge in before going to lunch.
• Private phone calls are prohibited during working hours.

Can you feel it? Are you eager to follow these orders? When people follow these rules, it’s often not out of respect but to avoid trouble. People obey out of their need for peace and harmony, not because they want to take care of someone else.

How can you write texts more effectively so readers are more willing to follow agreements and rules?

• Avoid phrasings that make people think they “must”. People prefer to act from autonomy. When something “must” or “is not allowed”, some people feel like doing the exact opposite.
• Use requesting verbs. Some examples: “We would appreciate…”, “Would you…?”, “If possible…”, “For this reason we would like to ask you to…”, “For this reason it is not possible to…”.
• Briefly describe the need or value behind the rule or request. “We value the peace of our patients. Please maintain silence in this area” or “We would like to offer you good service with limited staff. Please leave your bedding in the corridor upon departure. Thank you” or “If you agree with this proposal, would you please return it dated and signed?”
• Formulate rules and requests in positive language as much as possible. This means describing what you “do” want people to do instead of what you “don’t” want, being concrete about what you want the other person to do, and using requesting verbs (would like, could, appreciate…).

Some examples of texts with a moralistic, obligatory character (MOC) translated into a more connecting form (CF)

MOC: It is forbidden to make phone calls for private purposes during working hours. Violations will result in a report by the supervisor. Three violations count as a “serious offence” and are grounds for dismissal. CF: Working time is paid time. Therefore, all activities during working hours are directed at fulfilling your job description. Activities for private purposes such as phone calls happen before or after working hours.

MOC: Anyone who is late three times a month will have one working hour deducted from their timesheet. This hour must be made up. Frequent lateness may be grounds for dismissal. CF: We value colleagues working together as a team. Therefore, we expect everyone to be present between 9am and 4pm. Through flexible working hours, employees can choose to start one and a half hours earlier or later. Deviations from this rule should be discussed with the direct supervisor.

MOC: The courses organised by Star Ltd are mandatory for all employees. Taking leave is not permitted when mandatory training takes place. CF: We greatly value lifelong learning. Therefore, we ask employees to enrol at least once a year in the open training programme. We expect all colleagues at the annual three-day team training. Please take this into account when planning activities and leave.

MOC: (at the end of a list of rules or a contract) The signatory agrees to the above provisions. (handwritten “read and approved” followed by signature) CF: With the above regulations, we hope to respectfully honour the values of our organisation for all employees and clients. With these regulations, we aim for the smooth operation of our organisation. By signing these regulations, the signatory agrees to them. Should there be reasons in the future not to comply with these regulations, the signatory commits to discussing this with their direct supervisor or someone from the HR department.