Meetings with Nonviolent Communication

We hold meetings to develop ideas with others, form opinions, make decisions, build support… Meetings often take up a lot of time, while the desired result is not always achieved. When meetings aren’t effective, it’s a waste of valuable time and leads to frustration. Nonviolent Communication provides inspiration to reach results quickly and efficiently. And it motivates participants to contribute their expertise and knowledge towards the best possible outcome.

Getting a clear picture of meeting efficiency and effectiveness

As a leader, you might ask yourself which meetings you would scrap if you learned that few meetings actually serve their purpose. You could also ask how you can achieve the same or better results in less time.

As a team member, you might consider how meetings contribute to quality, efficiency and satisfaction in your work. When are you engaged in a meeting and when do you feel restless? What’s missing? And how do you give this feedback to adjust the meeting process and stay maximally involved? Both leaders and team members have their role in meetings: who prepares the meeting, who takes notes, who carries out the agreements, who provides structure, how much time do you want to allow for sharing information…?

Attention for participant engagement

Make sure that participant engagement is as high as possible, starting from the preparation phase. Think about and note down in advance what goals you want to achieve with the meeting. The following goals may come into play:

• discussing/explaining information that was sent out beforehand,
• exchanging information,
• asking each other questions,
• sharing confidential information,
• developing ideas,
• making agreements,
• working out strategies,
• making decisions.

Inform participants as much as possible about the agenda in advance. Indicate what you expect from them so they can prepare. If you want to make decisions, make sure that everyone with decision-making authority is present. Share simple information beforehand so you don’t have to present or read it out during the meeting. Use the meeting time to clarify and discuss the information. When you ask a question to a large group, it’s usually the same people who speak up. If you want to involve the others, adjust the format. You can do this by:

Having people write down their answers before the discussion starts. Splitting the large group into smaller random groups and having them discuss the questions first in small groups. Then a spokesperson shares a summary of what was discussed. Asking participants to write answers on Post-its. Participants then stick these on a wall. Ideas that belong together can be grouped. Closing a meeting with a question you want to discuss in the next meeting. Ask participants to think about possible answers in the meantime. Start the next meeting with a round where everyone briefly shares their answer. Note the answers on a flip chart.

Creating connection

Nonviolent Communication provides inspiration for a smooth meeting process. Being honest and respectful when sharing your opinion creates clarity and usually leads quickly to clear conclusions and concrete action points.

1. Stick to what you observe, hear and see. If you have interpretations or assumptions, check how others see it. Don’t assume your perspective is the only one. Avoid expressing judgements. When meeting participants hear that you’re blaming them, however subtly, this usually leads to resistance or decreased engagement.

2. Say how you feel about a particular situation. Use appropriate language. For “fear”, it often sounds better to say: “I’m concerned, I’m worried, I feel uneasy…” For “sadness”, it’s more fitting to say: “I find it unfortunate/regrettable.” To express anger, words like “frustration, irritation, discomfort” work well.

3. Name the needs, values and interests you want to fulfil before proposing concrete solutions. Hold on to these abstract values and be flexible about how they’re concretely met. Also listen to the needs, values and interests that participants raise in the meeting.

4. Formulate clear requests. Don’t assume everyone knows what you’d like to see happen. The more concrete your request, the faster you reach a concrete agreement. Don’t cling to your specific request either. If you get a “no” or a “half yes”, explore which need remains unmet for the other person and integrate it into an adjusted proposal.

5. Be generous with appreciative communication. This doesn’t always require many words. What matters is that your appreciation is genuine: someone says or does something and it makes you happy or satisfied.

6. When working out solutions, it’s best to ensure that decision-making happens in phases:

Start with a clear, meaningful opening question. This is an open question about a particular topic. It’s often worthwhile to see if this opening question can be formulated more sharply and creatively. Check whether it makes sense to pool the available expertise before formulating proposals. During such an expertise round, it’s helpful to listen empathically yourself and to stimulate empathy in others by asking: “What do you hear? Summarise in your own words what you’re hearing. What questions do you have about it?” When participants formulate proposals, make sure they are concrete, realistic and phrased in positive terms. Check whether a proposal can be translated into a concrete agreement by asking if anyone has objections. Behind every objection lies a particular need, value or interest. Stimulate creativity to translate unmet needs into adjusted proposals. Always look for a decision with the least resistance. Make sure you also indicate which needs, values or interests you want to see fulfilled in the final decision. Use your empathic skills. When you notice people getting worked up or raising their voices, focus your listening first on what people feel and need.

7. Close your meeting by checking how participants experienced it. What went well you keep for the next meeting. What went less smoothly, you translate into points of attention for next time.

Summary

• Prepare your meeting with a clear goal. Know what you ultimately want to achieve.
• Ensure efficiency through targeted questions and clear requests.
• Avoid any form of blame or judgement and stick to the observable facts.
• Express your appreciation.
• Listen empathically to complaints and “different” opinions.
• First explore the underlying needs, values and interests before proposing solutions.