Inspiration for mediators

Mediation

As a mediator, you help two or more parties find a solution to a conflict or problem through clear and respectful communication. During a mediation conversation, you make interventions: some relate to the structure and flow of the conversation, others ensure that noise in the conversation, usually ambiguity or judgmental language, is corrected so the parties involved can find a way forward. Through your neutral and skilled presence, you help people reach an agreement so they can make arrangements that benefit everyone.

Below are some tips for facilitating conversations, drawn from our daily practice.

Preparation

Sometimes you speak with individual parties beforehand, which is useful because:

• You give the necessary empathy to each party and create space to express feelings and interests;
• You identify the conversation goals of those involved;
• You clarify your role as mediator, namely neutrality with a focus on clear and respectful communication.

If you have a preparatory conversation with one party, it’s good to do the same with the other party, to safeguard your neutrality from the start.

Location

Find a neutral place with privacy and calm in a pleasant setting. Provide water. The nervousness that often accompanies these conversations gives people a dry mouth more quickly. Make sure you sit between the parties as a mediator, so you can see the body language and facial expressions of those involved without moving your head much. Make sure people can easily get to the exit. Prevent them from sitting somewhere they feel trapped. As the mediator, you sit furthest from the door.

Responsibility

In conflict mediation, we speak of the mediator’s obligation of effort, not of result. This means you as a mediator are not responsible for whether or not a result or solution is reached.

The conversation

Starting the conversation

Start the conversation by briefly framing your role. Describe the situation in a neutral way without interpretations or judgments, avoiding words like conflict or problem. For example: “We are here to find a solution for something that happened recently. The intention is that through consultation we look at how we can approach this situation differently. My role is to help you reach an agreement that works for everyone. I will mainly support clear communication and dialogue. I will interrupt you from time to time and I will ask questions.”

During the conversation

In a mediation, we distinguish two major phases: an opinion-forming phase and a decision-making phase. In the first phase, the focus is on listening to useful information and the needs of all parties. In the decision-making phase, solutions are sought based on the information shared during the opinion-forming phase. The decision-making phase can only begin when the opinion-forming phase is fully completed. As a mediator, you ensure the conversation follows this logic without explicitly mentioning it. Only when everything has been said and heard does it make sense to look for solutions. Guide the parties towards this structure through the right interventions, such as: “Tell us what we need to know before we look for a concrete solution?” “What do we need to know before we come up with a solution?” If solutions are proposed too early, repeat the needs you hear in the proposal. For example: Party A: “I suggest he discusses his idea with me first before presenting it to clients.” Mediator: “So for you, consultation and alignment are important?” Party A: “Yes.”

Possible interventions

As a mediator, you need to step in quickly. That’s why it’s important to apply several techniques in the heat of the conversation. These interventions are essential for keeping the conversation on track.

Giving emergency empathy

Sometimes people want to say something at the same time, or they interrupt each other. It’s then helpful to say: “I see you both want to tell your story and be heard. I suggest we let A speak first and then listen to you. Is that okay?” This intervention signals that the person will be heard, just not immediately. You’re asking one of the parties to listen a little longer first.

Translating judgments and reproaches into needs

In a conflict, people often describe reality in a reproachful way. As a mediator, it’s important to quickly translate these reproaches into the language of needs. You regularly check whether that’s what the person meant to say.

Pulling on the empathy ear

To encourage the parties to adopt a connecting listening attitude, you occasionally ask them to repeat what the other party has said. You do this with questions like: “Can you repeat in your own words what you hear the other person saying?” “Can you name what the other person needs?” “How is this for you when you hear this?” “How do you feel about this?”

Stay on track

When people go off on tangents or don’t answer a question, don’t let it drag on too long. Interrupt clearly and kindly and make a request to the speaker. For example: “I hear a long story and I’m losing the thread a bit. Can you give the essence in a few sentences?” “I get the impression you’re repeating things. Do you want to make sure it’s been heard that…?” “Oops, that’s (in my view) not an answer to the question. What is your answer to…?”

Wrapping up the conversation

Ask a few questions where each party expresses themselves about the decisions. Encourage everyone to put their agreements into their own words: “What do we concretely agree on?” Close the conversation with: “How was this conversation for you?”

Finally

Thank the parties for being there. It’s also important that you as a mediator find joy and satisfaction in your service, for example from your need to care for others.

Good luck! Erwin