Guilt and shame

In Connecting Communication, we approach shame and guilt in a distinctive way. We see both as secondary feelings that arise from judgemental thinking about our own behaviour (more on this in the blog post about primary and secondary feelings).

How do guilt and shame arise?

With guilt, it is more about an individual judgement: you hold yourself responsible for something that went differently than hoped. You blame yourself for making a mistake. With shame, on the other hand, the social environment plays a role. The awareness that people who matter to you know about something you did is often what triggers shame. You can also feel ashamed of a certain characteristic (being overweight, belonging to a group, having a different skin colour…). In those cases, the feeling of shame is often linked to the need to “belong,” to “be part of a group,” to “be accepted.” This can lead you to follow certain rules not because of the underlying values behind those rules, but simply because you want to fit in.

Learning to deal gently with feelings of guilt and shame

In Connecting Communication, we want to deal with shame and guilt in a gentle way. Five steps can help:

• The first step is to relax into and accept the feelings (shame or guilt).
• The second step is to explore the underlying shoulds and should-nots.
• In the third step, we try to discover what the underlying needs are.
• In the fourth step, it is often helpful to feel what the primary emotion is, knowing that the need (from step 3) is not fulfilled.
• In the fifth step, you can choose to take care of that need by doing something concrete (wanting to, instead of having to).

’Wanting’ and ‘choosing consciously’ instead of ‘having to’ and ‘not being allowed to’

When exploring feelings of shame and guilt and the underlying needs and values, you may come to realise that you no longer want to follow certain rules.

Connecting Communication is certainly not about avoiding responsibility. What we do want is to tie the evaluation of our own actions to an evaluation based on needs and values, rather than on blindly following rules. We want to trade in the “have to” and “not allowed to” for “choosing consciously” and “wanting to.” A choice made from personal conviction, connected to your own needs, will be driven more by your own life energy.