Gossip

Talking about someone in judgemental, accusatory words when the person is not present has a harmful effect on the climate within a team or an organisation. The intention behind gossip is usually not to discredit someone, but rather a way to vent dissatisfaction about something. The person being gossiped about usually has no say, and assumptions and exaggerated claims about them tend to take on a life of their own. Gossip creates isolation around someone without them being able to do anything about it. It often has a negative impact on collaboration and communication. It becomes a safety valve for frustration and can generate new problems instead of solving them. Direct, constructive feedback is typically absent, so certain information never gets discussed and therefore cannot be used for improvements or clearing up issues. The price an organisation pays for a gossip culture is considerable. People lose a lot of energy to it, the quality of goods and services suffers, it often goes hand in hand with high absenteeism, and the atmosphere of safety and trust is undermined.

Creating a gossip-free climate with Connecting Communication

With Connecting Communication (CC), you can take both a preventive and a reactive approach to fostering a gossip-free climate.

The preventive approach involves giving employees enough opportunity to communicate with each other in a connecting way. This can be done by encouraging regular conversations between colleagues and between employees and their direct manager. In such conversations, employees can voice their frustration or concerns directly and consult about solutions to any problems. In task-oriented meetings, a manager can attend to the emotional side of working together. This can be done by regularly checking in on energy levels and motivation at work. Low energy and frustration are signals of unmet needs. Being able to put into words what is going on often brings relief in itself, and where possible, workable solutions can be explored.

Another important aspect of prevention is removing the causes of gossip. Backbiting often arises in environments where problems persist without any solution in sight.

The reactive approach to a gossip culture requires some perseverance. For many people, gossip is a strategy for meeting certain needs (connection, empathy, belonging, support, safety, release…). So if you want to reduce or stop gossip, it is important to have an alternative strategy that meets these needs just as well or better.

In gossip, there are different players: the gossiper, those who listen to the gossip, and the person being gossiped about. Below you will find inspiration for each of these roles.

Connecting Communication for the gossiper

You may not have thought about it this way, but gossip is a way of taking care of your needs. There is probably a good reason you do not address someone directly. Perhaps the other person will not listen, or you fear unpleasant consequences if you speak your mind honestly. Maybe you stay silent because you are worried about hurting the other person. And it is possible that your current approach is still the best solution for you. It could also be that you have no idea how to stand up for your opinion in an honest, direct way without paying a price for it. Perhaps CC can offer some inspiration. If you want to explore this path, it is important to answer a few questions:

• What keeps me from sharing certain information directly with the person involved?

• What needs am I trying to meet by doing this?

• What needs are going unmet?

• What would I like to happen?

• If I were to address the person directly, what would I want them to hear?

• How could I tell the person without blame?

(observations, my feelings and needs, my request to the other person)

• When is a good moment and what is a good setting to talk to the person?

• What are possible reactions from the person, and how can I listen to their needs?

Maybe these questions give you inspiration to have a connecting conversation with the person.

Connecting Communication for the person listening to gossip

How do you respond to backbiting? Do you find it pleasant or unpleasant to hear? Are you glad someone confides in you? Do you find it difficult because you notice the good atmosphere is suffering? If you address the gossiper, it makes sense to do so in a clear, caring way. You can choose to first respond empathically. Or you can choose to say in a connecting way what bothers you. Both approaches can be the opening for a connecting conversation. Instead of talking about “gossip,” it is handier and less judgemental to use descriptive language such as: “talking about someone who is not here,” “criticising someone who cannot respond”…

Example 1:

Gossiper: “Christine always gets the best assignments. That’s because she’s the boss’s favourite.”

You: “Are you having problems with your work?”

G: “Christine always gets the best assignments and that’s not fair.”

You: “I see it differently. In my view, work is distributed fairly. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don’t. And I find it unpleasant that you talk about someone like that when they’re not here. If you have a problem with someone, I would address the person directly, or stay quiet about it.” (Leave room for a reaction, which you can then listen to empathically.)

Example 2:

Gossiper: “I’m sure Els is absent without a real reason. She probably put on an act to get a doctor’s note.”

You: “I don’t like it when you talk that way about someone who’s not here. What do you think you’ll achieve with that?”

G: “Don’t you find it annoying that she’s absent so much?”

You: “Yes, I miss the help and would love to have an extra pair of hands to get the work done. But I don’t want to talk about someone who isn’t here.”

Connecting Communication for the person being gossiped about

Imagine it happening to you. You hear from others that someone has said something about you that puts you in a bad light. That is extremely unpleasant, and it is not always straightforward to respond immediately. Certainly not when the gossip spreads and takes on a life of its own. What can you do when people gossip about you? From a CC perspective, we recommend staying in touch with what you feel and which needs are going unmet. This form of self-empathy often works better when you can talk about it with others. As a second step, you can consider addressing the gossiper in a connecting way. You do this by:

• Sharing your observations (what you heard from others).

• Saying what you feel about it (hurt, sad, angry, worried…).

• Expressing which needs are being compromised (openness, connection, honesty, respect…).

• Making a clear request to stop, and possibly asking about the other person’s intention.

Example 1:

You: “Luca, do you have a moment?”

Luca: “Sure…”

You: “I hear you’ve been saying things about me to others, about how I compensate for my overtime. I find that unpleasant. If someone has a problem with me, I prefer to hear it directly. That way I can explain why I do things the way I do… How is this for you?”

Luca: “Oops, I haven’t said anything.”

You: “That doesn’t match what I’ve heard…”

Luca: … (silence)

You: “If there’s something going on, I’m happy to explain.”

Luca: “OK…”

You: “So, if you have questions or feedback on what I do, would you make the effort to come and talk to me personally?”

Luca: “OK, sorry…”

You: “Thanks for listening.”

In the example above, the gossiper does not really come clean. In CC, the intention is not to “catch” someone or make them feel guilty. What matters is that you address someone directly, with the belief that people do things to take care of themselves, often in a clumsy way, and that you clearly indicate what you would like others to do.

Example 2:

You: “Luca, I want to discuss something with you. Do you have 20 minutes?”

Luca: “What’s it about?”

You: “I have the impression I’ve done or not done things that bother you.”

Luca: “How so?”

You: “I hear from several people that you’re apparently not happy about something I did. So I’m wondering if we could talk about it?”

Luca: “Well…”

You: “I think it’s more useful to say things directly and see if problems can be resolved. I’d love to hear what’s on your mind.”

Luca: “I do find it hard that you no longer ask me for projects. Have I done something wrong?”

You: “It’s bothering you and you’d like to understand why I haven’t asked you anymore?”

Luca: “Yes, I don’t know what I did wrong. Why don’t you ask me anymore?”

You: “I’m happy to explain. It’s not a choice against you.” and so on.

The conversation wraps up with:

You: “Thanks for this conversation. I hope you’ll come to me directly if something’s on your mind in the future. Will you do that?”

Luca: “Yes, that’s fine. But I do find it a shame I can no longer participate in the projects.”

You: “I understand. But what hasn’t happened yet can still come. Thanks for your time.”

In the example above, you reserve enough time beforehand. A connecting conversation usually takes longer than what you want to say to the other person. Empathic listening typically takes up the largest part of the time. The conversation stays connecting because you avoid judgements and blame. You do this by speaking in observation language and by checking assumptions with the other person. You give empathy for how the other person sees things without immediately responding to implicit requests. You yourself are very clear in your request to the other person when it comes to openness and honesty. You close the conversation with a genuine thank you, because you value the time and effort the other person invested.