Dealing with 'no'

In Connecting Communication, we see a ‘no’ as a ‘yes’ to something else. For example, if you ask a colleague to work overtime and the answer is ‘no’, this could mean that the colleague has a need for rest. The ‘no’ to overtime is a ‘yes’ to rest. Or the ‘no’ could be a ‘yes’ out of concern for their family.

Hearing the ‘yes’ behind the ‘no’

A ‘no’ is a vague way of indicating that a certain need is not being met. To discover that need, empathic listening is required. In most situations, it is enough to ask a question like: “Are you saying ‘no’ because you need…?” This question usually opens the door to uncovering and discussing the underlying need. And in some cases, it becomes possible to formulate a different request that aligns with your needs while also considering the needs of the other person.

Example Jos has worked in administration for more than 25 years. He is responsible for planning and still does everything the old way. He does most of his administration on paper and with magnetic planning boards, using the computer only minimally. Due to growing complexity and company growth, Jos makes more and more mistakes. Not all processes related to planning are clear and accessible to other colleagues. Jos’s team leader, Anke, has repeatedly offered to look into how certain processes could be automated through specialised logistics software. Jos has managed to hold off each time by adapting in his dedicated, old-fashioned way and putting in extra hours. One day, things go haywire because of planning errors. Colleagues cannot figure out how Jos’s system works and their administration goes wrong. Anke hears complaints from both customers and staff. She is frustrated: she wants the work to be well organised and she wants to address this with Jos. In her mind, reproaches toward Jos are swirling: “Because of that stubborn mule, everything is falling apart! If he had listened to my advice…” Anke wants to have a serious talk with Jos about how he can get on board with a more digital approach to administration. She prepares the conversation carefully because she wants to do it in a connecting way. She genuinely wants Jos to step into the change with motivation. She asks Jos to come to her office.

Anke describes the situation briefly and clearly in observation language: a colleague can no longer see how to match invoices to the planning and always has to ask Jos. Other colleagues cannot make changes to the planning without consulting Jos. The planning fell behind three times, causing customers to be served late. Anke says how she feels about this: she finds it very frustrating and it causes her stress. She then shares her underlying needs as the source of her feelings: she wants work to be organised smoothly in a way that everyone can easily use the planning system (needs for ease, simplicity, collaboration…). Because Anke wants to find a solution through dialogue, she makes a connecting request to Jos: “How is it for you, Jos, to hear this?”

Jos feels uncomfortable and also feels guilty, because deep down his stubbornness is the cause of all the trouble. Anke listens empathically, hearing that Jos is struggling with the situation and that he is sorry. Anke formulates a solution request: “Jos, would you be willing to take a specific training course in a software programme? You would attend an intensive two-week training at a specialised training centre…” “If I really have to, I’ll do it. But it goes very much against my wishes…” is Jos’s answer. Anke hears in his reaction not a wholehearted ‘yes’, but rather a suppressed ‘no’. She could leave it at that and Jos would go to the training against his will. He would resist heavily and probably learn very little from it. So Anke consciously wants to find out what need lies behind Jos’s ‘no’. She asks him: “What holds you back from going on the course?” Jos: “What happens when I’m not here? What if things go wrong that only I can fix? And do you think the software will just take over everything?” Anke checks for the underlying needs: “You want things to keep running smoothly while you’re at training. And the software should work at least as well as the way we do things now?” Jos nods and sighs, feeling understood. “And I don’t know if I’m smart enough for this,” he adds. “Imagine I go on a two-week course and I don’t get it?” Anke responds with empathy: “You want to be sure that you’ll learn something we can actually use here?” Anke listens empathically for several minutes to Jos’s concerns and needs. She summarises: “So for you, it’s important that while you’re on the course, things keep running smoothly here. And you want the introduction of new software to mean real progress, is that right?” Jos nods in agreement. Then Anke asks: “And how can we make sure we take that into account?” Jos feels heard in his needs and is happy to think along toward a constructive solution that incorporates his concerns. He then goes to the training with enthusiasm. During the software implementation afterwards, it is above all Jos’s dedicated involvement that makes the phased rollout of the software a major asset for the planning… That dedication would probably not have been there if Anke had not heard and acknowledged his needs.

Saying ‘no’ in a connecting way

How do you say ‘no’ in a connecting way? Many people find it difficult to say ‘no’. They feel guilty, because their upbringing taught them that refusing something is not polite or not good.

For the person on the receiving end, it is also not easy to deal with a ‘no’ without judgement. People often hear a ‘no’ to their request as a ‘no’ to them as a person.

In Connecting Communication, we know that a ‘no’ is always a ‘yes’ to a certain need. If you want to say ‘no’ in a connecting way, it makes sense to also make clear what you are implicitly saying ‘yes’ to.

Example You work in a competitive IT environment that develops programmes for websites. Your company is strong at creating interesting new features, practical applications… You are somewhat of a trendsetter in how new CMS systems work. And in the market, you can see that your creativity is contagious, especially when it comes to others picking up your good ideas. To maintain that leading role, it is important to keep innovating, creating new possibilities… You regularly sit down with project managers for creative brainstorming sessions to develop innovative ideas. After one such session, a whole list of interesting action points emerges. Every single one of them could benefit the organisation. Your manager asks if it is okay to divide the work equally. Your colleagues nod in agreement. You do not feel up to taking on something extra with your busy schedule. Yet you feel the social pressure to take on an additional task like everyone else. Before saying ‘no’, you look inward for a moment: you feel stress and frustration when you think about taking on an extra task. This has to do with the fact that you also want to do your other work well, and you want to take care of your need for recovery (a need for rest). You consider the possible options to address these needs. Everything is possible, but taking on an extra task in the next two weeks is not an option because your schedule is full (unless someone can take over part of your work). Then you say, clearly and briefly: “I get very stressed when I think about taking on something extra. The coming weeks I am completely full. That would compromise the quality of the things already on my plate. I have to say ‘no’ to taking on extra work. I hope you can understand…” You look at your colleagues and listen to the reactions. Maybe someone can come up with a solution where an intern takes on part of your work. In any case, you make sure that a solution aligns with your needs: delivering good work and staying healthy (so not biting off more than you can chew).

In summary

A ‘no’ that is backed by clear reasoning is much easier to hear than a blunt ‘no’. If you want to take care of the relationship, you say with your ‘no’ what you are also saying ‘yes’ to. Make sure the ‘yes’ relates to needs at an abstract level. Your ‘no’ is, in certain cases, negotiable, as long as the needs you are saying ‘yes’ to are taken into account.